Days Like Today
The intensity with which I suspect others don’t truly like me or merely tolerate me correlates directly with how motivated I am to succeed.
It seems to me that life is just a cycle of illusions. Between the ups and downs and tinted glasses that come with them, who really knows what the reality is? Some days I feel on top of the world. I feel like I’m going places and I feel grateful to have the best friends in the world. Other days I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. Like I’m offending people with every step I take. It’s always a cycle. Every time I feel like shit, the emotional discomfort feels almost physical. I scrunch my face in response to embarrassing things about myself that I remember. My stomach ties in knots as I try to come to terms with all the negatives about me. All these things I am not and could never be.
I have a futile internal struggle. In the end, I (the optimistic me, anyways) eventually always prevail and I pout my lips to the world. “It’s okay. You can think what you want because I will get there one day.” It doesn’t matter where “there” is.
“There” can be success in my (yet-to-be-officially-started) career. It can be the fruits of my time at the gym. (I’m still waiting.) It can be more self-control in drinking. More health. Less boys. More books. More writing. More clarity in life.
For a few more days after that, I’m indifferent and then one day I’ll wake up and feel on top of the world. I’ve been fantastic and people must know that. That girl in the office who was eyeing me last week? I must have just been feeling down because we’re definitely friends. There’s no reason to dislike me.
It feels nice for a few days but then afterwards we’re right back where we started. What is the point of all this? Nothing has really changed over the days. The only thing changing is my perception of the world. It makes you wonder how much of our thoughts, opinions, and self-perceptions are truly “reality” and how much of it is really just in our heads…
"Later on, when I tried to imagine how I might have ruined things, that would occur to me- that I’d so rarely resisted, that I hadn’t made it hard enough for him. Maybe he felt disappointed. Maybe it was like gathering your strength and hurling your body against a door you believe to be locked, and then the door opens easily- it wasn’t locked at all- and you’re standing looking into the room, trying to remember what it was you thought you wanted."
Everyone thinks they’re so goddamn unique and unusual and different, but in reality we are all really just as vulnerable and pathetic as the next person. we should derive some kind of comfort from the idea that we are not alone, but instead all we want to do is to validate our own insecurities by proving that we’re different from all those OTHER pathetic people. maybe sometimes its okay to be pathetic and vulnerable and sad and crazy together.
but it takes a lot to take those feelings from deep inside you, articulate them, and put them into the hands of another human being, knowing that at any moment they could either validate your world through acceptance or else their nonchalance with you will create yet another tiny permanent crack in your identity. and that crack in your fragmented ego will whisper to you at night and let you know that your thoughts and worries are just as irrelevant and silly as you are.
I love everything about her and I’m not a guy who says that lightly. I’m a guy who has faked love his entire life. I thought love was just something idiots thought they felt, but this woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to. And there have been times that I wanted to. It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times. But I could not stop loving her anymore than I could stop breathing. I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with her. More than she knows.
(Source: im-julius-pepperwood, via pandasgoroar)
"These days, Clarissa believes, you measure people first by their kindness and their capacity for devotion. You get tired, sometimes, of wit and intellect; everybody’s little display of genius."
"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused."